Shakespeare Authorship Roundtable Posts

Week Two

O Gorboduc, Gorboduc. Why do you insist on dividing your kingdom? Equity is fatal (and we despise Diversity and Inclusion too). Why don’t you listen to those advisors who point to historical instances of the disastrous bloodshed that result from the division of kingdoms?

You should follow an example more like the Delahoydes. “Michael, you’re the oldest. We’ve always been able to rely on you. Your brother, though, as you know, has some problems.” Then you give Eric the old car when you get a new one, which he wrecks, so get him a new one, since he can’t afford it since he was fired as a night-time security guard for theft. And when grandpa dies, you give him the house. And he wrecks the new car, so maybe give him your new one and get a newer one. And you just let it go when he robs your house and takes your money and jewelry from the closet in the master bedroom. And, having gotten fired from another job because “everyone is against” him, he’s going to need some cash to get by.
So: all the kingdom goes to one son, and no one has killed anyone, and the country is in great shape!

Week Three

Always a delight to revisit those shades in Hades, such as Tantalus and Ixion (II.i.479). A good classroom brain-teaser is “How do you get out of Hell?”

Classical Mythology is the most important class you can take. It can instruct you on how to get out of Hell. And baby, you WILL find yourself there sooner or later. Biochem will not help you. Your Carson School of Business Leadership Certificate is garbage. How do you get out of Hell?

Be a good person and be nice to people?
Are you an idiot??
Make a deal with Hades/Pluto/Satan?
I just said: your Carson School of Business Leadership Certificate is garbage.

You WILL end up in Hell. Every aspect of your life will come crashing: job, relationship, family, health — hell, even your hobbies. This is you: “I made it to 42! I bypassed any mid-life crisis!” Me: “Oh? Check your email.”

Now then, here’s what we’ve got to work with. Ixion is fastened to a wheel that never stops rotating, and he always had a weak stomach. I feel for the guy. Roller coasters? Ferris wheels? I can’t even sit on a kiddie swing without Dramamine.

Tantalus is neck-deep in a pool with branches of delicious fruit hovering just above him. He reaches for a fig but the branch inevitably blows beyond him. He tries stooping for a drink but the waters recede. Perpetual, eternal torment; and hence the word “tantalizing.”

Sisyphus has to roll an enormous boulder up a hill, and just as he gets close to the top the damned thing rolls back to the bottom, and he must start all over. Feel familiar? Time for another department meeting to discuss the next five-year plan?

There are some women who have to move a lake from one place to another using only sieves. There are some people at the base of a cliff with rocks teetering up above about to come crashing down, so they’re stressed to the max.

So, how do you get out of Hell?

[Pause for strained agonizing pondering.]

Anyone other than my mother who says to me, “Maybe if you change your attitude…” needs a damn good whacking, and even my mother is skating on thin ice there.

But. [Sigh.] Yeah, suppose Sisyphus thinks, well, check out my muscles; I’m looking great. And at least I get around: sometimes I’m down in the valley with my peeps; other times I get to be near the top of a mountain and can look down and see quite a vista. Jeez, I’d hate to be that Ixion wheel guy. Plus, I have a task that keeps me engaged. Come to think of it, it’s a pretty good li … uh, death.

Suppose Ixion stops trying to strategize about in what position it’s least problematic to barf and instead just says, “Wheeee!”?

And Tantalus, you’ve already tried that diversion trick of counting down to the fruit-reach only to stoop quickly for a sip instead. How often did Hell fall for that? By the way, Tantalus, you’re dead! Just asking, but why have you convinced yourself you need food and water? You’re acting like those people on earth who “have to” eat dinner at 6:30 — because they’re hungry? No, they’re so out of touch they don’t even assess whether they are or not. Just chill, dude.

Sieve ladies? Good work so far, and no rush on that lake, really. Glad you have a little community amongst yourselves, unlike so many others here. Teetering-rock people who can’t cope because those rocks are about to fall and have been about to fall for 800 years? Forget it. You guys are hopeless.

Okay, dammit, as it were. I guess it is a question of adjusting one’s attitude.
Always look on the bright side of death.

–MD

Week Four

Amid some grand lamentation about the lingering curse from the gods against Troy and its descendants, Gorboduc declares, “Oh no man happy, till his end be seen!” (III.i.794). The note in the back of the Penguin edition claims this is “a classical commonplace” (281) and cites several examples.

Ecclesiasticus: “Judge none blessed before his death” (XI.28).

Herodotus Histories: “Call no man happy till he dies, he is at best fortunate” (I.32).

Sophocles’ Oedipus (set in Thebes): “Now as we keep our watch and wait the final day, count no man happy till he dies, free of pain at last.”

They missed Ovid, who is being clever if derivative in Metamorphoses, Book 3, which begins with Cadmus founding the city of Thebes. This section ends with an echo of the last lines of Oedipus Rex, appropriately enough: Cadmus seems blessed, “But yet in truth one must ever await / A man’s last day, nor count him fortunate / Before he dies and the last rites are paid” (55).

It’s a bit of a tangent from the play, but I wonder what people think about this supposed “wisdom.”

–Michael D.

Week Five

Chorus:
The lust of kingdom knows no sacred faith,
No rule of reason, no regard of right,
No kindly love, no fear of Heaven’s wrath,
But with contempt of gods, and man’s despite,
Through bloody slaughter doth prepare the ways
To fatal scepter and accused reign….
(951-956)

So tell me if I understand this correctly. Someone who is pathologically power-hungry or aiming for rule over a kingdom to, say, avoid jail time for treason or fraud or rape, values nothing honorable; may be insane; has no morality; no humanity, no fear of justice; can blow off the intense disgust and hatred of normal people; persists in the persecution of enemies; and doesn’t care about what history will say.
If I have that right, I’d say it’s pretty perceptive for the 1500s, but that there have been some omissions.

Week Six

We’ve already got the oboes, but we’re going to need black garments sprinkled with blood and flames for Alecto, Megera, and Tisiphone, oh and lots of snakes. We’re gonna need snakes for their bodies and some for their hair and one extra just for holding. Okay … aaand … a whip. And a firebrand. That should do it for the dumb-show.

[Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice: “Wah wah wah waugh wah.”]

Well, I don’t know. Get the costume people on it. They’ll know how to sprinkle black garments with blood and flames. Jeez febreez, you just get some blood and flames and sprinkle. Is this really so hard for you to understand?

[Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice: “Wah waugh wah waugh wah wah.”]

Hey, you want a good show or you want crap? I’m working on a shoestring budget here already. It’s not like you need a lot of props for all these characters blabbing on and on through the scenes. Just add a frickin’ Saturday matinee. And by the way, maybe it’s not my place to say, but this turd-burger you’re calling a play aint no Damon and Pythias here.

Act 5
Week Eight

*sigh* Now look!