Michael Delahoyde, PhD

Professor of English

The Day Time Ended

THE DAY TIME ENDED (1979 / 1980)

PreCommentary: If time ended, why are we so clearly in past tense and stillmeasuring the ending of the time in days? The video box claimsthat “Their lives became a living hell.” So will yourswhen you watch: THE DAY TIME ENDED!

Notes: 80minutes (but you can’t know this because TIME ENDED).
Grant: Jim Davis
Ana: Dorothy Malone
Richard: Chris Mitchum
Beth: Marcy Lafferty
Jenny: Natasha Ryan
Steve: Scott Kolden
Gas Station Attendant: Roberto Contreras

Executive Producer: Charles Band
Story: Steve Neill
Screenplay: Wayne Schmidt, J. Larry Carroll,David Schmoeller
Produced: Wayne Schmidt, Steve Neill, PaulGentry
Directed: John “Bud” (not mine)Cardos.

Summary: Nothing happens.

Okay, dammit, first we hear blab about therelativity of time and the myth of sequentiality. Then we seelights from space. Grandpa Grant (sometimes called what soundslike Fred) and his son or son-in-law (sometimes Richard, sometimesSteve) meet Grandma Ana (always called something else), son’swife (or Fred’s daughter) Beth, grandkid Jenny, and some otherkid, a younger son (?) at the airport and motor out to the barrenwasteland where they have their new solar-powered home away fromit all. Jenny gets a pony and it wanders into a glowing greenpyramid while the others discover the livingroom is wrecked. They blame bikers and cook steaks. Constant weird phenomena arenever explained (and never will be, sucker): lights turn themselveson, water turns itself on, a mirror is inexplicably fixed, greensmoke brings a tiny alien who jumps around, UFOs fly through thesky, the car starts itself when they decide to run away. Jennykeeps disappearing and returning and Grandpa totes his comfortinghandgun, saying upon one of her reappearances, “God, I couldhave shot her.” Should have, at least startedwith her.

Sonny tries to get back to the ranch, but wecan’t care because he can’t do anything anyway. A bad thing entersthe house–a floating machine–which catches Gramps’ bullet mid-airand burns through a bedroom door. Dinosaur-like beasts fightoutside and Gramps pitchforks one in the head a bit. Aircraftappear all over and we get more ELO shows. Jenny dissolves inthe wind trying to run to Grandpa, and Mom runs towards her anddisappears. Gramps announces that this is all a “time/spacewarp” and that regarding Jenny and Beth, “the vortextook them.” God bless you, vortex.

The two old people and that extra boy ridehorses while their house disappears. They seem to see severalsuns. A pyramid appears, Beth emerges and acts like a Moonie:”Everything is going to be fine.” She waxes vague andvacuous about the galaxy being turned upsidedown for a while (andthis is all the explanation we ever get!). Jenny appears on theroad, as does Dad and a horse. They all see a space city andexpress how neato-sweet it is. Gramps turns to Grams and speculatesthat this was “all meant to be.” (WHAT WAS???) “Thisis our new way of life.”

Commentary: Keep all copies of this crappy movie away from me before I breakcity ordinances. There is no plot, nothing to try to keep trackof, just endless witnessings of pointless light spectacles anda half-assed attempt to suggest that our feeble minds can’t comprehendthe tremendous evolutionary advancement of something. This filmhas nothing to do with “time” except to keep you thinking,every aching minute of this seven-hour brain-cancer, how mucholder you’re growing and getting nothing done.

Is that extra kid adopted so he and Jenny canbreed more vile humans? How are the space city beings going tofeel about this batch’s disgusting steak-guzzling?

There is no excuse for this movie.

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