Adventures in Dinosaur City


Notes: SmartEgg Pictures. 88 loud minutes.
Timmy: Omri Katz
Mick: Shawn Hoffman
Jamie: Tiffanie Poston
Link: Pete Koch
Missy: Megan Hughes
Dana: Mimi Maynard
Gil: Steven Anderson

Produced: Luigi Cingolani
Directed: Brett Thompson
Screenplay: Wili Baronet and Lisa Morton.

Summary: Jamie’s romantic dinosaur story is judged lame by Timmy; Mickis oblivious. Timmy’s parents, the Shepherds, experiment withtime and space on a tv screen while the three kids watch a cartoonshow called Dino Saurs. Timmy advises Jamie that this is whatshe should write like, where dinosaurs would “take a chunkout of anybody” who crossed them.

The parents prepare for a conference and pleadthat Timmy not “watch cartoons all day.” “What’swrong with cartoons?” When they leave, Timmy convinces theother two to “watch Dino Saurs on the big tv in the lab.” Mick: “Check it out! Ultrasaurus television set!” The video comes on but they are zapped into this asinine world. [The transition is lengthy; go to the kitchen for a drink here.] They meet Forey, a small wise-cracking batlike dinosaur, andhide from the “Rockies”–cavemen called Cro Magnon moronsand Neanderthals alternately who instigate some kind of power-plantmelt-down of Saur City against which we must race from here onout.

Through a graveyard they seek Tartown and entera bar where, after the floor show of Raquel and her Million B.C.ssinging “I Dig It When You Get Primitive, Darling,”they try to shame superhero Rex and his sidekick Tops into savingSaur City. Rockies enter; fight ensues. [Go to the kitchen fora refill here.] We get a glimpse of the Darth-Vader-voiced black-robedevil leader, imaginatively named Mr. Big, using the Rockies asthralls: “Allosaurs shall rule the world once more! Thereign of terror begins! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha.”

Now that Rex and Tops are on the mission, atnight the batch witnesses the evacuation of Saur City. Mick isdepressed but Jamie tends to his ego. Rex rows Timmy to SkullIsland where they see what used to be the center of the city (suspicious)and where Rex’s father’s monument, dedicated to his anti-allosaurcombat, is defaced. This is supposed to be insti-patridepth.

Mr. Big’s hidden camera sees Timmy’s magicalremote control pausing and rewinding attackers: “What isthat power? I must have that device.” Timmy is kidnapped,Jamie lures cavemen guards and knocks them out, and Mick is bitchyand sullen. We discover Rex’s father in prison and he quicklyexplains that he was drugged into being a traitor all those yearsago. Insti-reunion gives way to a rescue of Timmy who has beensuspended over fire and drilled to explain the secret of his remotecontrol. [Another drink? Why yes, I’d love one.] Rex smacksMr. Big in the name of his father, and Timmy zaps him with theremote. Some confusing sort of elevator drama and Forey learningto fly ensues. Daddy and the tower blow up. Forey fixes somethingback at Saur City. Should Timmy stay or go back? Oh oh oh agonyagony agony.

Back in what passes for reality, the parentsare back, and the three kids smirk a lot.

Commentary: The film is atrocious, obnoxious, and unendurable, pimping tothe Ninja Turtles groupies of the time and similarly encouragingthe very worst in American male brats. Every smug clichéof faux emotional depth is prostituted here. Thank the holy lordabove that this pile did not skyrocket to fame and popularity. Destroy all copies.