CAVE GIRL ISLAND (1995)
Notes: Torchlight Entertainment.
Xena: Sarah Bellomo
Sola: Tina Hollimon
Luna: Stephanie Hudson
Gund: Guy Payne
James T. Renford II: Lenny Rose
Dusty/Tommy: Rodrigo Botero
Rock/Jimmy: Stefan Galio
Moon/Neil: Kenny Johnson
Produced: Karen L. Spencer
Directed: Ellen Cabot
Screenplay: Mark Michelini.
Summary: Three women from a distant planet discuss losing virginity andknowledge of “parental units” of same. They crash onan island, and one of them, Xena, is thrown far from the spaceship,losing her clothes in the tragedy. A man who indicates his nameis Moon gives her a drink. She has amnesia. The other two women,Sola and Luna, search for Xena and are being watched by cameras. They arbitrarily start dancing on the beach. An obnoxious madmangenerates virtual reality dinosaurs to terrorize them, and wesee footage culled from Planet of Dinosaurs (1978). Loseheart now; this is the end of the dinosaurs in this film.
The two stumble into a camp of frozen women,who gradually dance when inspired by the two with their boomboxand their “intergalactic beat.” They then resume theirsearch, meeting Gund, a weirdo with a paralyzed neck, and Rock,another supposed caveman. He brings them to his friend Dusty.
After more pointless dancing, they meet upwith Xena and Moon. Having learned in Universal Pstchologythat “If we hit her on the head, it’ll reverse her memoryloss,” they hit her on the head and it reverses her memoryloss.
The “mad genius” James T. RenfordII wants to turn the island into a brothel and we discover thatthe “cavemen” are “yuppies” and can talk buthave signed contracts with Renford not to. Renford imprisonsSola, then the other two. The men feel guilty and decide to searchfor the women, ending up also imprisoned. Renford sneers aboutcooking them: “I’m gonna hate to give up my vegetarian diet.”
They escape and one of the men has rigged somekind of electrical booby trap which threatens to blow up the islandin a volcanic eruption. They escape with Gund aboard the spaceship,Renford blows up, they dance, dump the earthlings, and the womenleave. During the final interminable credits, we see “highlight”from the film again, mostly dancing.
Commentary: What can be said for a movie that recycles Planet of Dinosaursfootage? This is another “sleaze lite” film that triesto be funny and just makes one suicidal. They call Xena a “blonde”despite her 8-inch dark roots.
Many people would like this film. They’recalled morons; they all have driver’s licenses and lots of freetime. I see them every day (or as they would write, everyday).