Vampire Men of the Lost Planet
VAMPIRE MEN OF THE LOSTPLANET (1973)
Notes: Independent-International presents an Al Adamson Production.
Dr. Rynning: John Carradine
Dr. Manning: Robert Dix
Valerie: Vicki Volante
Willy: Joey Benson
Lian Mallian: Jennifer Bishop
Bryce: Bruce Powers
Bob Scott: Fred Meyers
Linda: Britt Semand
Produced and Directed: Al Adamson
Executive Producers: Charles McMullen andZoe Phillips
Screenplay: Sue McNair
Music: Mike Velarde.
Summary: A vampire intensely shouts the opening narration while attackson poorly lit streets take place. He implies that vampirism originatedmillions of years ago in “deep dark space.” Subsequently,none of this will have any connection to anything.
We cut to a rocket launch. Dr. Manning commands,”activate launchpad video scanner” [read: turn on thetv], “activate image stabilizer” [fix the tracking],and worries when the rocket is “not telemetering” [hecan’t see it on tv]. They cumbersomely call the rocketship XB-13. It is “hit bad” in some kind of collision and theyhave to land on a nearby planet. Fortunately “the atmosphereis identical to ours,” which means we don’t strain the budgetwith helmets and suits.
Dr. Rynning’s supposed mild coronary allowshim to stay aboard and render crotchety barkings. All other moronswander around in various film tints which allow a borrowing ofb&w stock footage: enlarged lizards from One Million BC(now 30-plus years old!).
Soon we’re in another film: a Japanese cavemanmovie with interminable battles of one tribe defending itselfagainst cave-vampires with ludicrous fangs. These sights aretaken to be “intelligent form of life.”
The spacefools nab a cavewoman and performa magic brain implant which allows her to speak English and explainthe Japanese film, declaring her tribe to be peacelovers exceptfor their killing for food.
Back on Earth, Dr. Manning justifies the tintingto his reclining wife with the help of a caulking gun. Honestto God!
Those Japanese caveidiots encounter bat-creatureswhile trying to get “fire-water” (scotch?) The spaceexplorers decide they should have some of that there fire-waterand that it resembles crude oil. Then we all split up pointlessly. Bob is killed and Willy is invited to stay on the planet by thecavewoman Valerie, but the red tint is getting to him and he faints.
Aboard ship, John Carradine is playing withhis chemistry set. He tells the others with the fire-water thatall of them have white-blood-corpuscles-devouring-the-red-corpusclessyndrome from the poison atmosphere. His armchair detection hasdetermined that there used to be an advanced civilization on theplanet, but that they abused their thermonuclear powers, destroyedthe civilization, unleashed a deadly virus, and will all be deadsoon. We grab Willy and leave.
Commentary: For a while, one suspects and hopes that John Carradine willturn out to be a traitor and a vampire himself aboard the spaceship,but alas, the film is simply an attempt to recycle footage froman absurd Japanese cavevampire movie. The film spends most ofits time in self-justification for color problems.